Telepathy is My Burden

One may wonder why I would entitle this post as I have.

One would have to step into my shoes for a moment to understand.

I hear (and feel to some extent) all the time. When I sit on the bus (I commute to Atlanta), my mind is buzzing. It's nearly impossible to drown it all out so I read. I can't sit on the bus without my Kindle or a book to read.

An example:
Some of the "ladies" on the bus will put their stuff in the seat next to them hoping that other passengers will be too lazy or tired to ask if he or she may sit there so that the "lady" can keep the entire bench to herself. This is against the rules and it IS posted, "Only one seat per passenger."

I get a bit of motion sickness once I get past the middle of the bus, especially since I read to keep my mind occupied so I always ask one of the ladies, "May I sit here?" I smile nicely and politely.

Without saying anything, they pick up their purse and bag and put them on their laps. Now the entire trip I'm onslaughted with their thoughts and emotions. It is mostly negative energy directed at me (I can feel that too), and they don't normally "say" anything though I've picked up a few thoughts. 'White Bitch,' was one of the thoughts. I cannot understand this rudeness. I am never rude to persons and I always stow my items or put them on my lap.

I knew when my second husband didn't love me anymore. He kept thinking how this was going to work out. He didn't want to lose our large house and never see his son anymore. It worked out for him. I told him I didn't need a house to make me happy (he got it) and that I'm all for joint custody (best for my child).

Other things that cause this to burden me is that it is very hard to get close to people, namely men. They really can't keep anything from me. One gentleman emitted a thought once that I heard loud and clear, "turn it to vibrate; keep it in your pocket."

How'd you like to hear that from your boyfriend, especially not out loud? From that point forward I watched what he did with his phone. We use to come in from being out and he'd dump the contents of his pockets, phone included, on his kitchen counter. He wasn't doing that anymore. Fast forward a few months to Valentine's Day. It was 4 years ago. I, to this day, do not remember what we did that day. I was too devastated. He was in the shower and his rarely seen phone was charging on his nightstand and I was absently watching the morning news. I caught something lighting up in the corner of my eye - his phone.

And then I did something that I've never done before, nor have I done since. I picked it up to see who it was. If I hadn't seen the phone light up, I wouldn't have known it rang cuz it was on silent. I wondered, "Who in the hell is *Tina Cell*?" I thought I knew all his friends since we'd been dating for 3 years. After it quit ringing, I scrolled through the inbox, outgoing texts, and call history. He had been e-flirting with not one, but TWO girls for the previous months and somehow I already knew it. I really had no idea if he'd actually cheated, but the new, unusual condoms in his nightstand (yes I looked) sort of said that he did. I followed through with our plans for the day but I just didn't have the heart to enjoy it cuz my mind was too busy listening to his.

"Wonder what's wrong?"

"She's never looked like this before."

"She's too quiet and she's not having fun."

I had to tell him what I knew. We broke up. After 7 months, I kept hearing about his sorrow for what he'd done. Believe me, I can tell when someone is lying. If they are, I hear one thing, but I "hear" another. He wasn't lying. He said he didn't realize what he'd lose.

We've been together since, but I'm not completely "with" him now. He is too cautious, he walks on eggshells, and it effects everything we do. I can't get totally on board. I'm too busy "listening" to him and I think he knows it. Yes, he knows I'm telepathic.

So it's a burden. I'm good at tuning it out most of the time. Sometimes it's funny - "I wish I didn't eat that cheeseburger at lunch. I have the worst heartburn." What? What cheeseburger? Why did I think that? Oh, not me... it's someone else.

I can really never get to close to people. The closer I get, the louder they are. So I keep my friend base very small. I keep men friends at arm's length. And guess what? I know which men have a secret crush on me.

I'm constantly working to keep our friendships benign and platonic.

What a burden.